How to use envy as career fuel (instead of letting it destroy you)

What your envy is really telling you (and how to act on it)

Image credit: Sora by OpenAI

Every time you open LinkedIn the comparison machine starts running.

Someone just got promoted to VP. Your peer won a national company award. That speaker we both follow is keynoting another major conference.

And for just a moment, you feel that familiar sting.

• "Why didn't I get that gig?"

• "How are they doing so well?"

• "…What's wrong with me?"

(or… is that just me? Asking for a friend…)

Anyway, this happens all day, every day and these moments of comparison can wear you down.

I’m here to tell you to stop beating yourself up about it. It’s normal and it’s human.

And I believe it leaves you some incredible clues (magical breadcrumbs!) about what you want to chase.

Side note: As Ken from the Barbie movie says, “You are kenough”. Seriously though, you are a brilliant human, just as you are. As always, gratitude for where you are is a great practice. However, I’m writing this piece because we tend to hide/not admit to having these emotions, and brush them away. But I reckon if you let it linger a little longer, feeling envious can serve you.

Firstly: Let’s establish the difference between jealousy and envy

Most people use "jealousy" and "envy" interchangeably but they’re quite different. Understanding the difference helps you handle these feelings better.

• Jealousy means you're worried about losing what you have. It’s defensive. When a colleague gets promoted and you feel jealous, you're afraid your position is threatened.

• Envy means you want what someone else has. When you feel envious, you're seeing something you want for yourself.

Jealousy makes you defensive and paranoid, obvs you don’t want that in your life.

But envy?

Envy can motivate you to take action.

Use envy to figure out what you want

Here's something that amazes me every time I work with high-performers: most of us can’t specifically articulate what we want.

When I coach someone to zoom out and answer, "What do you actually want?" it's a question that's either met with a blank stare, or a generic response like, “More money / more freedom”.

This is where envy becomes incredibly valuable. It does the work of goal-setting for us.

When we feel that pang of "I wish I had that…" we're getting direct access to our subconscious desires.

Here's how to decode your envy:

• You envy a consultant's lifestyle? You want freedom to work anywhere, or the ability to build something from scratch.

• You envy a colleagues’ confidence in the Town Hall? You want your ability to communicate to feel as effortless as it looks.

• You envy someone who networks easily? You want better professional relationships and opportunities.

Don't feel guilty about envy. Write down what triggers it. These feelings point you toward the success you actually want.

Try this: Open the Notes app on your phone and keep an "envy journal" for a few days. Every time you feel that pang, write it down.

Turn LinkedIn scrolling into career research

Instead of scrolling and feeling bad, use it to fuel your aspirations.

When something makes you envious, ask:

• What specifically am I envious of?

• Is this something that I actually want?

• What would I need to do to achieve something similar? Am I willing to do that?

• Who could I learn from or connect with?

Also, pay attention to what you tell yourself about their win:

"They got promoted because they kissed up to the boss." "They got that job because they know someone." "They got that speaking gig through connections."

Yes, maybe that's true.

AND maybe that gives you clues about where you need to step up.

If networking got them the gig, what's your networking strategy? If relationship-building with leadership helped their promotion, how are you building those relationships? If their podcast opened doors, how are you expanding your reach?

Your dismissive thoughts about their success reveal your blind spots.

How to handle envy when it knocks

1. Accept the feeling. "I'm feeling envious right now, and that's normal."

2. Be specific. "I'm envious of their Porsche 911" not "I'm envious of their success."

3. Ask the key question: "Do I really want that?" Be honest.

   1. If yes (and yup, I do want that 911), reverse-engineer it. What steps did they take? What skills did they build? What was their long-term wealth strategy? Who did they need to become to attract that?

   2. If no, pause and dig. Maybe it looks shiny on the surface but when you really think about it, it’s not your path. You’re not envious of their thing, you’re envious of what it represents. Is it freedom? Recognition? Excitement? And is there another way to get that feeling that actually fits you better?

4. Take one small action. You might even congratulate them.

Here’s what you don’t do: Spend more time lamenting and resenting other people's wins, rather than focusing on building your own.

When your wins make other people uncomfortable

A friend told me about landing a big speaking gig recently.

She said: "It's such a relief that I can share this win with you without worrying about how you'll react."

How many of us have felt that same relief?

One of the most practical things you can do is create an inner circle of people who cheer each other on.

Look for people who: (/be the person that…)

• Feel secure in their own success

• Believe there's enough success for everyone

• Share both wins and struggles openly

• Ask about your goals and offer help

Avoid people who:

• Always try to one-up your stories

• Change the subject when you share good news

(generally speaking, that’s good life advice, not just for this specific topic of envy!)

The bottom line

Professional envy isn't going away. It's hardwired into human psychology and social media makes it worse.

You will feel professional envy. You will also trigger it in others.

The question is: Will you use these feelings to build the career and life you want, or let them hold you back?

Your envy is telling you something important about what you want to achieve. Are you listening?

→ I always love hearing from you in the comments:

Which is harder for you: feeling envy, or sharing your own win publicly?

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